When you got married, you and your husband were most likely excited to start your new life together. Unfortunately, the picture when it comes to ending a marriage isn’t always so balanced.
Many women call us and say, “I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t. What I can do ? Can you tell me how to divorce my husband?
When her husband doesn’t want a divorce, it can be extremely frustrating for the wife.
But one thing first…
If one of the spouses wants a divorce, both spouses divorce.
Wives do not need their husband’s permission to divorce. But how you do it and how hard you make it on yourself and your kids is up to both of you.
Watching your divorce begin will set the tone for the rest of the divorce process, as well as the future of your co-parenting relationship.
I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t. What now?
Well, I think you know that if you really want to, you can get a divorce.
You have every right to file for divorce in court and to serve the divorce papers on your husband. It’s definitely a way of doing things.
But you’re smart enough to realize that if you don’t want anything to go wrong, it might not be the best choice to go in this direction. Hanging your reluctant spouse in a corner can unleash a firestorm that neither you nor your children or family will ever recover from.
So what can you do when you don’t want to burn things down but feel like you can’t stay in limbo anymore?
Before you resort to paying a divorce attorney to light a proverbial fire for your husband (which will no doubt set a hostile tone for the rest of the divorce proceedings), consider these 5 tips on how to divorce your husband can if you hesitate to end it wedding.
Hopefully they will help you save time, money and sanity during the divorce process.
I am leaving my husband What should I do?
Tip #1 is to seek professional help.
First. Divorce is stressful and can trigger a whirlwind of intense emotions for both husband and wife.
An individual therapist or couples counselor can help you sort through your feelings and help you manage your emotions.
They can also help you prepare and gain the confidence you need to have a (hopefully) calm and sensible conversation with your husband about the reality of the situation and your desire to end the marriage peacefully and move on.
And if you’re still having doubts about whether you really want a separation or divorce, especially if you’re still in love with your husband (or wife), you might consider going to discernment counsel or marriage counseling together.
If your husband doesn’t want to break up but is willing to join you for counseling, you can create a safe space to share your feelings and let them know you want a divorce.
My husband doesn’t want a divorce, but I do.
Tip #2 is to be a compassionate wife and open the lines of communication with your reluctant spouse.
dr Pamela Brand, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has practiced in Chicago for over 30 years, offers this advice to people who want to divorce but whose spouses don’t:
“I encourage people in general to approach their spouse with the utmost compassion and recognize the likelihood that they will experience a time of resistance, anger and emotional escalation.
It is important that the spouse who announces the decision to divorce presents it in a way that reflects the thought process and considerations that went into the decision.
The spouse filing for divorce may also want to acknowledge and acknowledge the hurt and pain this is causing for their reluctant spouse and offer to listen to what kinds of things may be helpful for their spouse during the initial adjustment period.
The goal is to start a dialogue and discuss the situation as openly and honestly as possible. Oftentimes, for a husband who doesn’t want a divorce, simply talking about it helps them accept the reality of the situation.
If you’re not sure how to approach the issue, here are some additional tips on letting your spouse know you want a divorce.
Whatever you do, don’t block your future ex. You’ll just feel isolated and defensive.
I want to divorce my husband but he is not ready yet
Tip #3 is to give your husband time to mentally process your desire to divorce.
When approaching a spouse who doesn’t want a divorce, it’s important to remember that you’ve had a long time to contemplate the thought of your marriage ending.
And you’re light years away from your husband.
You’ve already thought about divorce on the way to work, discussed divorce with friends or your therapist, and lost sleep for months or even years.
You have decided to divorce and made peace with your decision.
But even if your husband knows (and accepts) that the marriage has broken up, he can fight back because his news came as an unexpected shock. And you haven’t had equal time to deal with the divorce and mentally prepare.
So if you’ve told your husband that you want to end the marriage, step back and give him time to process his feelings and come to terms with your decision.
I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t. Can you tell me how to divorce my husband?
Tip #4 is to find out why your husband is reluctant to divorce. Then respond to their objections.
If your husband isn’t cooperative with the divorce, you need to ask him questions so you can figure out why he’s hesitating in the first place.
Because there are always reasons.
Divorcing your husband requires you to counteract his objections so that he (hopefully) agrees to move towards a peaceful dissolution of the marriage.
Here are 3 common objections an anti-divorce husband might have and some strategies to overcome them:
Objection #1: “It’s better for the kids to stay together” than to get divorced.
Some spouses don’t want to divorce because they believe that because of the children, it’s important to stay together no matter what.
They believe that divorce will cause long-term damage to children.
But in reality, it is not the divorce itself that has the greatest long-term impact on a child’s life: it is the level of conflict between parents that is the source of most emotional and psychological harm to children.
When asked if couples should stay together because of the kids, Rosalind Sedacca, divorce and parenting mentor and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for Parents, shared these thoughts:
“Several studies of divorce and its impact on children have shown that conflict is the source of most emotional and psychological damage in children.
So when a couple is struggling, struggling, and there is conflict at home, tension at home, or parents who generally avoid each other at home, the children are living in an environment that is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle and growing up. above in safety and tranquillity.
And it is very harmful to children.
It is preferable that after a divorce the family changes shape and has two houses where the children either move from one to the other or live mainly with one parent and interact with the other and live more quietly so that they are when they are when mom is happy with mom and when they are with dad they are happy with dad.
And they are in a conflict-free environment.
We have worked with many couples who have been in unhappy and/or sexless marriages and have not been great spouses but have been excellent co-parents.
But only after they acknowledged that the marriage was over and divorced.
Instead of spending their time fighting each other, they mediated and focused their attention on raising happy, well-adjusted children.
Divorce is difficult in the short term, but long-term evidence has shown that children have no lasting effect as long as their parents are mature about the separation and have a child-friendly divorce behind them.
So if there is a lot of conflict and animosity in your marriage, the argument about staying together because of the kids may not make sense.
If your husband truly loves your children, tell him to put the children first by keeping things peaceful and being a good parent and not staying married.
Because it’s the best for kids.
Objection #2: “It’s cheaper to stay together” than to get divorced.
Some husbands are reluctant to divorce because they are very pragmatic, and their reluctance stems from the belief that staying together is cheaper.
While it’s true that two houses cost more than one, people who live apart tend to be more financially conscious and conscious of their spending.
During divorce mediation, we ask our clients to budget what their expenses will be as a married couple and what their projected monthly expenses will be after the divorce.
After reviewing these estimates, we find that in a surprising number of cases, post-marriage spending is equal to or lower than spousal spending, while child spending remains stable.
But in addition to the couple’s household expenses, there’s an even bigger hidden cost to this objection, and that’s the cost of contested divorce proceedings. If your husband is not willing to cooperate so that you can pursue a more peaceful and profitable method of divorce, the option you are left with will be conflicting and expensive.
So the same problem your husband wants to avoid: He’s going to spend a lot of money anyway if he doesn’t cooperate with your divorce decision.
A bitter irony, indeed!
Explain to your reluctant husband that a peaceful divorce now is much cheaper than a contested divorce later.
And ask him not to let his opposition to the divorce plunge him (and the kids and you) into a financial hole that will be difficult for everyone to get out of.
Objection #3: “If we work a little harder, the marriage will be better.”
It is unlikely that a person will wake up and suddenly decide to divorce.
Divorce is rarely a quick decision for the spouse who initiates it. They probably thought about this decision for a long time.
A couple we met recently came to us after seven years of trying to repair their marriage.
When a marriage gets to the point where one partner is absolutely certain they want to end it, no amount of delay will change their mind.
But for the reluctant spouse who receives this news, it can come as a shock, even knowing things have fallen apart in the marriage or they’re still in love. You didn’t have the same time and thought advantage as the spouse who made the decision.
Now it’s your turn to tell your husband that you’ve given it a lot of thought and that you’re sure you want a divorce.
It’s important to be compassionate but firm because if you’re not, you’re giving him false hope that things can work out again, which won’t help you.
- Realize that while you didn’t have a choice in the divorce decision, you can have a say in the outcome.
- Tell him you need his help to make the process as peaceful as possible and avoid family court for the sake of the children.
- Your husband also needs reassurance that you are not here to get him: he wants you to be as actively involved in the lives of the children as you have always been, and he wants an agreement on the financial support that will be given to you and is fair to your children. .
If your husband isn’t ready to get a divorce for any of the reasons above, consider these tips to overcome his objections, help him accept your decision, and agree to work with you to bring the marriage to fruition to end peacefully.
Which brings me to my final piece of advice on the subject “I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t want it”…